Breaking point.

Well, I think I have finally hit rock bottom on this whole weight loss thing. I was up all night last night, crying (well partially because I really wasn't feeling well still) but also because I just feel helpless.  How do I force myself to lose weight or to get back into it? How can I give myself that push that I need? I'm so miserable today and just need to get it out.

I look at girls that have nice thing muscular bodies and I am just so jealous. I think how it must be so nice to be at that point, where people look at you and envy you. I don't think anyone envies the way I look, I am always ashamed when I see people I haven't seen in awhile because I just know the first thing that they think of is " wow she gained a lot of weight".  I have just been thinking of how can I get myself to the point that they are at and I honestly don't know. I've tried working out and eating right but something always happens and I end up back here to where I am. Except it's never been this bad, I've never felt this awful about myself. I can't even look most people in the eye because of how ashamed I am to be the weight that I am. I flinch when someone hugs me because I'm sure they are thinking "I can't even fit my arms around her"  It hurts so much and it's a daily hurt and a daily struggle. Why can't I just be like other people and have that drive and motivation to not give up? to not quit when I become complacent. Why am I like this? Why does it have to hurt so much to be me?  Why is physical appearance so important and why do I feel the need to look like those celebrities that are 110 pounds? 

I just don't know what else to do.  I just don't know what else will work.

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